i'm sorry people, i have moved my blog...i don't know if i like it here....

here is the link

http://www.deadjournal.com/users/namesrdumb/

ever since i got my mac, i haven't really liked blogger, so yeah......check this one out, and update your shit.

jessi

I am in a state of apathy. It seems to me that I just don't care about anything really anymore and i really don't get it. In the past two days, ive gotten into arguments with two of my friends. If you know me at all, i try to avoid confrontation at all costs but these people went off on me, for basically no reason. I mean...two different people, two different topics, but two people that just don't want to speak to me anymore. Yes, it is horrible when you lose a friend, it really sucks....but i just don't care anymore. I'm not saying this out of conceit or anything, but i feel like i'm so above all of this. I just don't have the energy to argue endlessly with someone about something i don't care about it. I understand we are all humans and our ideas will conflict with one another and it's normal for these kinds of confrontations to occur, i know this, but i don't understand why it has to happen. I don't understand why people have to be stubborn and hold a grudge over something that doesn't mean anything at all. If a friendship was that important to them, it wouldn't be that easy to drop. That's all there is to it.

Here is my pledge:
I promise to never endure the countless minutes of arguments that seem to show up on my doorstep everyday. I promise to never let anyone get on my last nerve to the point where i want to crack. I will never again argue with anyone, it's not worth it and it's a waste of my breath.

We'll see if that works.

end.

Tonight was weird. I completely freaked mike out cuz i freaked out. I acted like a four year old throwing a tantrum and the more i look back on it, the more ridiculous i feel. For a really stupid reason, i wouldn't let him touch me, look at me, etc...just cuz i'm a fucking brat. I really don't deserve him. i just wish sometimes i knew if he thought about me as much as i think about him.

i feel like such a tool for not knowing the name of the band was "living colour" not "in living color".

i feel like my dad when he thought third eye blind was "one eyed dog"

or my aunt who thought hootie and the blowfish was "huey and the blowtorch"

someone should shoot me

Mikey, my beloved boy, has posted this on his website, and i want to express my agreement and my thoughts on the subject, mainly to one portion of this post:

their traditions mean nothing to me, and i dont think that they should. im starting to get fed up with it all. i really am. everyday i come across various things on the internet, people complaining aboout the current trendiness of this or the fashion sense of that. someone commodifys something, not just music, but anything which has the means to be popular, and they do so without thinking about the initial purpose for the creation of said subject. the current target is "emo" and it's really nothing new, it has been done before with other genres and will be done again and again untill their is no profit to come of it. it all makes me sick, i want to stab my eyes out with a fork. im not shifting the blame on anyone in particular in a way we are all to blame, myself included. as long as the support system is in place they can continue to do this. we complain yet we are also a source. somewhere, somehow this neverending chain must be broken. im not quite sure how, and it is almost impossible. i do think that there is a way, however. im just not sure yet. get back to me on this one. maybe one day i will have the solution.

He couldn't be more right. And here is my response. Emo is just one of the many genres of music that will be put into the limelight. It happens to every type of music, or style. What everyone needs to understand is that things need to run their course. I remember my sophomore year in highschool, i thought i was punk as fuck. Dyed hair, ripped up clothing, chains, that general "fuck you" attitude, etc. Then i opened the delias catalogue and there were all these girls with manufactured ripped up clothing that featured the word "punk", which to this day annoys me. I remember thinking, oh my god this fucking sux, everything is horrible now, everyone's gonna be getting into the scene that shouldn't be. This got me upset for all of an hour at the very most. Then all of a sudden, around a month later, it wasn't popular anymore. Now, being spawn of a north shore jewish mom, i'm going to pretend i'm an expert on fashion here (there is nothing else farther from the truth but lets roll with this here). Fashion comes and goes. What's in one day is out before you blink your eye. There is always something new on the horizon that label whores are waiting to attack. Emo may be the big trend now, but wait a month, people will be like...uhhh what's emo? And then all you self righteous "unique" people can go back to your usual way of life and never have to think about this again.

Tonight, today, etc, is one of those days that you look back on and the only thing you can think is OH FUCK. i've been having lack of sleep and i think it's catching up with me. Today, i drove to work, about a 25 minute drive, and stopped at subway. As i was filling up my drink at the machine, i realized, i have no recollection of my drive here at all. Wow, that was weird. So yeah, went and saw getup kids tonight. That was fun...it was really awesome to hang with adam again. Yes i know we fight a lot, and i've heard mean things that he's said about me, but i don't care. If he's not saying it to my face, i'm not listening. Afterwards I went to scot's. Sonja left soon after and that made me sad cuz i like hanging out with her. Scot and I raised some hell after that. Actually, not. We rented fight club and scot fell asleep on the couch.

Ok so here's my thing that i've been thinking about lately. In the past week i have watched donnie darko for the first time and fight club (tonight) for the first time. There's something about these two movies that hit a certain part of my body. I think it's my brain, perhaps i'm thinking in a way i never have before. But after i watch these two movies, anything I do for the next 4 hours seems completely weird. Like i'm in the twilight zone. It's such a weird feeling. I don't know, i kinda don't like it, but i'm not sure what it means.

I have the chance to go see the ghost tomorrow in Morengo. The drive, i don't care, it would probably be fun. The show, that would be fun too. But tonight as i drove home, i realized how much in love with mike i am. Everything seems so much better when he's around...and i love laughing with him etc. I think about him so much it's ridiculous, and i think i want to spend time with him tomorrow. I'm in the mood to just lay back with him and cuddle...the best feeling in the world and it seems like it will never feel right with anyone else.

Now that i've turned this blog into a cornballfest....i'm gonna leave.

end.

A pretty fun last couple of days. Yesterday....yesterday i hung out with anna, she just got back from poland which is pretty awesome cuz i missed her a lot. Sometimes i wish my family was more in touch with our roots (besides organized religion). Like here's where my family fucked up. Ok when people ask what nationality we are....we're basically mutts....european mutts...all over those teeny countries in europe. But predominantly, we are russian. If you look at where everyone is from, 85% of them are russian. Okay, here's the fucked up thing. I'm not one to discriminate but apparently my parents are. Well my mom at least. She hates russians because she claims the russian mafia in the chicagoland area is getting out of hand. So she hates them all. Then i go into the whole talk that goes along the lines of .... "Mom, we're jewish, there were certain things hitler didn't like so he hated all jews and look how that turned out." So yeah...i don't know, i always see that visa commercial where the curly haired redhead goes back to ireland to get in touch with her roots. Dude i wanna go to russia and kick it up ruski style.

So yeah...then last night..i picked up sonja and mike and we went to anna's house for a bonfire. A genuinely good time with a punk rock sing a long to finish it off. ROCK. I dropped sonja off and hung out at mike's till the wee hours of the morning and then slept at home.

Today i went to work and stressed a lot because scot wasn't calling me and i wasn't sure if i was to pick him up. My coworker tracy played me some interesting voicemails she received from a friend that made me laugh for a little. But by 6:30 i was jittery, edgy and ready to leave. So i picked up mike but endured lots of traffic on north ave which made me really upset. I had the worst road rage and actually ended up swearing rather loudly in the face of some man in the car to the left of me. I made it to mike's at about 7:40ish with the intention to be at the fireside by 8 to meet scot who had been chillin rockstar style. We head down lemont road only to find the the entrances on to 55 both ways are closed off so i have a small aneurysm and we proceed on another route. It took us a mere 15 minutes to get into the city and meet scot...with 4 minutes to spare. We made it just in time for He Who Corrupts who were actually very good. basically a hardcore band who wears suits and ties and sunglasses with two random men at the sides who perform anything they ask them to do, ie move the hair out of their face, scratch their asses, etc. I saw aaron which was way cool cuz i haven't seen him in a while. Afterwards we kicked it up into Jack's gear and made our way out to skokie for some finedining. We filmed me licking mike's face on my digital camera and shortly after stopped by Nikki's house to say hi. That didn't go over well so we went to scots where we listened to his "ghost remixes" and watched videos from his old AUDIOBIOGRAPHY days. Mike and i proceed back to his house where i had my first "in living color" experience. That band just rules. The lead singer was wearing body glove, doesn't get much better than that. I finally made my way home listening to henry rollins and he made me laugh. it was fun...and that's my night.

That was fun to write but i'm sure not fun to read.

end.

I just want to thank aaron for being the sexiest mother fucker out there. He totally takes the time to read my thoughts and that's so awesome, makes me smile really big. If you guys didn't notice, he left a big response to my last blog in my guestbook. He is also (finally) linked to this page so you guys can read about his amazing life too.

end.