Something Stupid

2002-07-18T03:10:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry people, i have moved my blog...i don't know if i like it here....

here is the link

http://www.deadjournal.com/users/namesrdumb/

ever since i got my mac, i haven't really liked blogger, so yeah......check this one out, and update your shit.

jessi

2002-07-16T23:49:00.000-05:00

I am in a state of apathy. It seems to me that I just don't care about anything really anymore and i really don't get it. In the past two days, ive gotten into arguments with two of my friends. If you know me at all, i try to avoid confrontation at all costs but these people went off on me, for basically no reason. I mean...two different people, two different topics, but two people that just don't want to speak to me anymore. Yes, it is horrible when you lose a friend, it really sucks....but i just don't care anymore. I'm not saying this out of conceit or anything, but i feel like i'm so above all of this. I just don't have the energy to argue endlessly with someone about something i don't care about it. I understand we are all humans and our ideas will conflict with one another and it's normal for these kinds of confrontations to occur, i know this, but i don't understand why it has to happen. I don't understand why people have to be stubborn and hold a grudge over something that doesn't mean anything at all. If a friendship was that important to them, it wouldn't be that easy to drop. That's all there is to it.

Here is my pledge:
I promise to never endure the countless minutes of arguments that seem to show up on my doorstep everyday. I promise to never let anyone get on my last nerve to the point where i want to crack. I will never again argue with anyone, it's not worth it and it's a waste of my breath.

We'll see if that works.

end.

2002-07-15T02:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight was weird. I completely freaked mike out cuz i freaked out. I acted like a four year old throwing a tantrum and the more i look back on it, the more ridiculous i feel. For a really stupid reason, i wouldn't let him touch me, look at me, etc...just cuz i'm a fucking brat. I really don't deserve him. i just wish sometimes i knew if he thought about me as much as i think about him.

2002-07-14T03:12:00.000-05:00

i feel like such a tool for not knowing the name of the band was "living colour" not "in living color".

i feel like my dad when he thought third eye blind was "one eyed dog"

or my aunt who thought hootie and the blowfish was "huey and the blowtorch"

someone should shoot me

2002-07-14T03:06:00.000-05:00

Mikey, my beloved boy, has posted this on his website, and i want to express my agreement and my thoughts on the subject, mainly to one portion of this post:

their traditions mean nothing to me, and i dont think that they should. im starting to get fed up with it all. i really am. everyday i come across various things on the internet, people complaining aboout the current trendiness of this or the fashion sense of that. someone commodifys something, not just music, but anything which has the means to be popular, and they do so without thinking about the initial purpose for the creation of said subject. the current target is "emo" and it's really nothing new, it has been done before with other genres and will be done again and again untill their is no profit to come of it. it all makes me sick, i want to stab my eyes out with a fork. im not shifting the blame on anyone in particular in a way we are all to blame, myself included. as long as the support system is in place they can continue to do this. we complain yet we are also a source. somewhere, somehow this neverending chain must be broken. im not quite sure how, and it is almost impossible. i do think that there is a way, however. im just not sure yet. get back to me on this one. maybe one day i will have the solution.

He couldn't be more right. And here is my response. Emo is just one of the many genres of music that will be put into the limelight. It happens to every type of music, or style. What everyone needs to understand is that things need to run their course. I remember my sophomore year in highschool, i thought i was punk as fuck. Dyed hair, ripped up clothing, chains, that general "fuck you" attitude, etc. Then i opened the delias catalogue and there were all these girls with manufactured ripped up clothing that featured the word "punk", which to this day annoys me. I remember thinking, oh my god this fucking sux, everything is horrible now, everyone's gonna be getting into the scene that shouldn't be. This got me upset for all of an hour at the very most. Then all of a sudden, around a month later, it wasn't popular anymore. Now, being spawn of a north shore jewish mom, i'm going to pretend i'm an expert on fashion here (there is nothing else farther from the truth but lets roll with this here). Fashion comes and goes. What's in one day is out before you blink your eye. There is always something new on the horizon that label whores are waiting to attack. Emo may be the big trend now, but wait a month, people will be like...uhhh what's emo? And then all you self righteous "unique" people can go back to your usual way of life and never have to think about this again.

2002-07-13T03:10:00.000-05:00

Tonight, today, etc, is one of those days that you look back on and the only thing you can think is OH FUCK. i've been having lack of sleep and i think it's catching up with me. Today, i drove to work, about a 25 minute drive, and stopped at subway. As i was filling up my drink at the machine, i realized, i have no recollection of my drive here at all. Wow, that was weird. So yeah, went and saw getup kids tonight. That was fun...it was really awesome to hang with adam again. Yes i know we fight a lot, and i've heard mean things that he's said about me, but i don't care. If he's not saying it to my face, i'm not listening. Afterwards I went to scot's. Sonja left soon after and that made me sad cuz i like hanging out with her. Scot and I raised some hell after that. Actually, not. We rented fight club and scot fell asleep on the couch.

Ok so here's my thing that i've been thinking about lately. In the past week i have watched donnie darko for the first time and fight club (tonight) for the first time. There's something about these two movies that hit a certain part of my body. I think it's my brain, perhaps i'm thinking in a way i never have before. But after i watch these two movies, anything I do for the next 4 hours seems completely weird. Like i'm in the twilight zone. It's such a weird feeling. I don't know, i kinda don't like it, but i'm not sure what it means.

I have the chance to go see the ghost tomorrow in Morengo. The drive, i don't care, it would probably be fun. The show, that would be fun too. But tonight as i drove home, i realized how much in love with mike i am. Everything seems so much better when he's around...and i love laughing with him etc. I think about him so much it's ridiculous, and i think i want to spend time with him tomorrow. I'm in the mood to just lay back with him and cuddle...the best feeling in the world and it seems like it will never feel right with anyone else.

Now that i've turned this blog into a cornballfest....i'm gonna leave.

end.

2002-07-12T03:40:00.000-05:00

A pretty fun last couple of days. Yesterday....yesterday i hung out with anna, she just got back from poland which is pretty awesome cuz i missed her a lot. Sometimes i wish my family was more in touch with our roots (besides organized religion). Like here's where my family fucked up. Ok when people ask what nationality we are....we're basically mutts....european mutts...all over those teeny countries in europe. But predominantly, we are russian. If you look at where everyone is from, 85% of them are russian. Okay, here's the fucked up thing. I'm not one to discriminate but apparently my parents are. Well my mom at least. She hates russians because she claims the russian mafia in the chicagoland area is getting out of hand. So she hates them all. Then i go into the whole talk that goes along the lines of .... "Mom, we're jewish, there were certain things hitler didn't like so he hated all jews and look how that turned out." So yeah...i don't know, i always see that visa commercial where the curly haired redhead goes back to ireland to get in touch with her roots. Dude i wanna go to russia and kick it up ruski style.

So yeah...then last night..i picked up sonja and mike and we went to anna's house for a bonfire. A genuinely good time with a punk rock sing a long to finish it off. ROCK. I dropped sonja off and hung out at mike's till the wee hours of the morning and then slept at home.

Today i went to work and stressed a lot because scot wasn't calling me and i wasn't sure if i was to pick him up. My coworker tracy played me some interesting voicemails she received from a friend that made me laugh for a little. But by 6:30 i was jittery, edgy and ready to leave. So i picked up mike but endured lots of traffic on north ave which made me really upset. I had the worst road rage and actually ended up swearing rather loudly in the face of some man in the car to the left of me. I made it to mike's at about 7:40ish with the intention to be at the fireside by 8 to meet scot who had been chillin rockstar style. We head down lemont road only to find the the entrances on to 55 both ways are closed off so i have a small aneurysm and we proceed on another route. It took us a mere 15 minutes to get into the city and meet scot...with 4 minutes to spare. We made it just in time for He Who Corrupts who were actually very good. basically a hardcore band who wears suits and ties and sunglasses with two random men at the sides who perform anything they ask them to do, ie move the hair out of their face, scratch their asses, etc. I saw aaron which was way cool cuz i haven't seen him in a while. Afterwards we kicked it up into Jack's gear and made our way out to skokie for some finedining. We filmed me licking mike's face on my digital camera and shortly after stopped by Nikki's house to say hi. That didn't go over well so we went to scots where we listened to his "ghost remixes" and watched videos from his old AUDIOBIOGRAPHY days. Mike and i proceed back to his house where i had my first "in living color" experience. That band just rules. The lead singer was wearing body glove, doesn't get much better than that. I finally made my way home listening to henry rollins and he made me laugh. it was fun...and that's my night.

That was fun to write but i'm sure not fun to read.

end.

2002-07-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

I just want to thank aaron for being the sexiest mother fucker out there. He totally takes the time to read my thoughts and that's so awesome, makes me smile really big. If you guys didn't notice, he left a big response to my last blog in my guestbook. He is also (finally) linked to this page so you guys can read about his amazing life too.

end.

2002-07-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

Ok....it's time for the blog i have promised mike for a while.

I don't know how many people have looked at 17 magazine lately.....but the most recent issue features a centerfold of a boy and girl dressed "indie rock-ish" with a huge headline that reads "Am I emo??" It proceeds to breakdown all the features of their clothing and goes on to teach the kids "emo pick-up lines". The following two pages feature 17's idea of indie rock "emo" bands.....bands like Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, The Rocking Horse Winner, Onelinedrawing, Desaparecidos, and Thursday. Websites like makeoutclub, fourfa, livejournal, and other "indie rock" rate me sites are featured as well. Quite a response has occurred since this article was printed. Here is my reaction to it. I hear people saying "That's ridiculous"....etc and other hate towards it. Yes, this article is ridiculous, yes half these kids that are reading this are probably doing it for the fashion, but there's something deeper that everyone needs to think about. Everyone is so obsessed with what is emo, what bands are emo and what aren't. What everyone needs to understand is that music is a very personal thing. To the performer as well as the listener. Everyone has their own definition of what each genre is. Like I was saying to mike last night, there was a never a "joe emo" who decided one day "hey i'm gonna go invent a new genre called emo". It just came about and there is no one true definition of what it is. It's different to everyone. It makes me so upset that the people who are so set in their ways about emo cause this scene to be such a closed culture. They glare at people who walk in a show who aren't emo enough. Dude...if those kids who listen to shitty ass music are going to a good show..then hell yeah. They're doing their own thing and not caring about it. at least they have the guts to listen to different types of music and not have to worry about the "emo culture" bringing them down.
Another thing about this article. Yes, it annoys me that it's in seventeen magazine, i won't lie. But i'm glad that emo has been getting all this publicity. This majorly has to do with my above rant on our closed culture...at least in chicago. a lot of kids are into the emo scene because they strive to be unique. They think they're doing something different and they should be rewarded for it. Lately emo music has been featured in chicago newspapers, time magazine, and now seventeen, a fashion magazine. People keep saying shit like "oh sooner or later emo's gonna be this big fashion statement and i can't be involved in it". Well then thank god for all this publicity. Shit like this will seperate the kids who really care about this music and the people who don't. For me, i love all music, let it be emo, hardcore, punk, country, classical, etc. i have a genuine love for it and it keeps me going. But there are those kids out there who really don't love music as much as they appear to.. those are the kids bringing us down. the kids who are more obsessed with the fashion of emo than the music. I hope that as a result of this article in a teen magazine, some of those idiots will get weeded out because they are not needed in our scene. This scene should be open to anyone who wants to get into it. I'm sick of having to be nervous of the reaction people get when i tell them i'm on makeoutclub, or that i wear excessive pins and have "emo glasses". I don't care....i really dont and im sick of having to deal with assholes like that. PHEW!! that felt good.

Ok next point. Yesterday I was at mike's house and he was telling me about this site called boymeetsgirl.net. It's a site where an indie rock couple who met on the internet and later got married have webcams showing their entire life. Everything they are doing, sex, dancing, etc. The basic point of the site is decent, to show life without scripts, although i still think it's kind of lame. Here's where it gets a million times worse. In order to really experience their life, you must pay 13.95 a month in order to watch their every move. Ok what i don't understand is, what is so special about their life. I think i would only pay 14 dollars to see john cusack every second of the day but these are two completely insignificant people. basically people are only paying to see them fuck and thats fucking gross. I'm sorry this kind of site makes me sick to me stomach and i voiced that to them in an email i wrote them. Muahahahhahahaha<----evil laugh

end.

2002-07-07T12:12:00.000-05:00

MY ROCKSTAR WEEKEND

Interesting things to report. Things a girl like me would likely not encounter, but of course, everything has to happen to me. It sounds like that's a bad thing, but it's not....I had a really good time contrary to other people's beliefs. i like to soak things in.....become part of the moment, and listen more than rant when it comes to these kinds of situations. basically yesterday, sonja and i drove to milwaukee where we met up with scot, lauren, and her roommate, and the members of the ghost. We chilled at some house in the ghetto of milwaukee where the ghost was playing. there were a number of bands playing and i only know the names of some. There was the ghost (obviously), 1956, no direction, and armotifera.....All equally good bands playing in a disgustingly hot, smelly basement....but it was fun. Afterwards, two boys from the ghost decided to go to chicago early, and brian, paul, and ben came along with sonja, scot, and i back to lauren's house. This is where the craziness began. Drunken nights, with me completely sober, watching interesting stuff take place. The night involved, throwing trash, screaming nonsense, breaking kitchen tables, throwing random objects at the fan, an unnamed person running up to the bar across the street and pressing his nuts against the window, two straight edge boys openly playing with their penises, another two boys lighting matches of their penises, an invention of the game rock paper scissors....makeout, and at then end of the night, scot playing guitar and brian singing a song about me. The perfect end to that night, except for paul's excessive snoring which kept basically EVERYONE awake. Now i'm home, happy, and ready to go see mike. i miss that boy more than anything and my recent thoughts about him have been wiped away because i realize how truly special he is and how hard it would be to live without him.

That was my rockstar weekend. pretty rockalicious huh?

2002-07-02T02:23:00.000-05:00

I am writing this in response to the numerous blogs i've been reading of mike's that i've been beating myself up about. I'm sure he'll be reading this, but I'll pretend he isn't cuz yeah, this isn't directed towards you mike, well sorta...but, ok forget it, just read the fucking thing.

The problem with everything right now isn't exactly a problem at all when viewed from the outside. The problem is that I love him too much. When I'm not around him, i think about him all the time, and when I'm with him, it's surreal....even if i'm in the shittiest of moods, everything gets better with just one smile from him. Whenever I'm out and he's not around, i get an urge to call him and usually realize it's around 1:30 in the morning and he'll probably be asleep and then i sit and stare at my phone. I drown out whatever conversation with anyone that is occuring during that period of time and stare at the phone contemplating whether i should wait for it to ring or just call him. I usually end up beating myself up about this for a while until it's time to go and i rush to the computer to see if maybe he is online and i can have some contact with him after 10PM. That's how much i long for this boy, that's how much I care about him, I think about him constantly. Basically every night when I do get home (for the most part), he's not online. So i check his blog. He writes that he lacks inspiration, or isn't feeling right lately. Things that he never tells me and that I wish i could help with. The thing that's completely annoying and frustrating to me is that he really has to fix this himself. I wish with all my heart that I could be that one girl for him that when I walk in the room, everything gets better and stays that way. Everyone should have that person. For me, it's him and i plan to keep him for as long as i can, until he kicks me to the curb. Basically what I'm voicing is my frustration. I am declaring that I am an inadequate girlfriend. I don't know...I don't know what i'm trying to say. I'm just hoping that one day, his inspiration will have to do with something I say to him, or something I do. Something that makes him smile about me that he can think about when I'm not there. I want to make him genuinely happy and I'm not so sure I'm doing that right now. When we're talking and he tells me he loves me, it's an incredible feeling, each time he says it. It's something that makes my day that much better, knowing that someone out there cares about me that much. But i feel as though, when I tell him that, it's not as important. I don't know....i guess my blog should not be the one i tell about this, it should be him, but he'll be reading this in a mere ten hours give or take so i guess this is my backwards of way of voicing this directly to him.

Wow, i feel so dissatisfied. I thought that after I wrote that, i would feel so much better to get that off my chest...but it is still there, and will be until i can get this resolved.

Fuck.

2002-07-01T02:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a humorous really awesome night. Started off kinda bad cuz the parents were annoying....and then i went to scot's house. Scot was there (obviously), adam, and sonja....and then chris envy (of showoff, woohoo i'm a bandaid...haha) came over. we then proceeded to go to a parking lot and hit golfballs into oncoming traffic. Then blew off a firework in the parking lot and drove off. This went on for another 20 minutes....driving around, lighting bombs and throwing them in front yards and driving away. So highschool like but so much fun. Tonight was that one night of good fun that everyone always needs. I'm very content.

2002-06-30T02:38:00.000-05:00

So much to report!!! I've been so busy that i guess i haven't gotten around to updating this, but now is the time!!!

Ok i'll start from the beginning

ummm i can't remember if anything significant happened before this so i'll start from the last time i could remember.
Thursday:
My very good / very bad day
-burnt my finger horrendously on my a cigarette which in turn created an enormous blister on my left "swear finger"
-kept fucking up at work
-got into the dorms at DePaul ... YAY!!!
-i got in contact with Violet after 3 weeks of radio silence with her

Friday:
The big show!!!
jeeez....friday night was surreal. I got to see ben folds again...and it was ridiculous. I tried talking to mike about this tonight and i'm not sure if he totally understood what i was saying or he just didn't feel like really responding, but everytime i hear / see ben folds, it never ceases to amaze me. The man is so incredibly talented. The thing I envy the most about him is that he's doing something about it. There are so many people out there who are as / more talented than ben folds and they do nothing with their talents at all. They sit at home and occasionally play music or write some but don't really do anything with it. I don't know i'm just venting my frustrations. Anyway...ben is amazing and if he asked me to be his wife...id' be there in a second. hahaha

Saturday:
The Heritage Scam
Attempt 1: Mike claims to live by himself and it was proven that he doesn't. Access denied.
Attempt 2: The merchandise was stolen...right from under our noses.
In a nutshell...we weren't able to adopt the dog
Went to heritage fest...saw a great 80's cover band....and smiled a lot...i love mike.

that's about it...

oh interesting things to add:
got my ears stretched BY MYSELF!!!
got a new computer (the new iMac)
got my cell phone back

2002-06-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

i woke up this morning to something very exciting. Scot and i made a little deal pertaining to a top ten list in my honor. This morning i opened up internet explorer and went to iheartbooty.com and made my way over to featured rant. Hmmm it's about me

Thank you scot

2002-06-25T01:38:00.000-05:00

My Krazyfest entry.

Encounters tonight (June 23, 2002) that make me LAUGH / CRY:
1. a truck drive at a rest stop that says FUCK a lot
2. a sticker that reads "this product is not made by native american indians"
3. a he/she cop looking for a "jessi" (southern accent) that I gather is not me
4. a tow truck driver named Norm...reminds me a lot of the tow truck driver in "Adventures in Babysitting", and freaks us out when he says "looks like a full moon tonight" when there was a silent moment in the truck
5. the bathroom at the triple A facility
6. the two mechanics recalling the many automobile accidents that resulted in death
7. the bill

Please excuse this, i wrote a lot of it in a dark car at about 11 oclock at night so it may be incoherent.

It's unbelievable what a collection of music can do to a group of people. Either positive or negative, the results are astounding. We are all thrown together and bound because of a love of certain genres of music. A certain amount of bands in a certain amount of days, overwhelming enough to keep an unbelievable amount of people together for an extended period of time. Pretty amazing to me. The openness of these music fans is even more incredible. A duo strolls the halls of the Super 8 in Louisville with the opening line of "We're from Detroit!" in a rather cheery voice. The next line in their obviously rehearsed "expected" dialogue is "Can we snap a picture with you? This is representin' Detroit!" The most interesting part is that they're completely serious. They are intent on documenting one person from each state in America. After keeping smalltalk for no more that 5 minutes, their closing line is consistently, "Hey do you have an extra beer I could have?" This comment in itself makes me doubt their love of music. And i'm not just saying this because they almost always say "Hey check out Cadillac Blindside tomorrow." That makes me doubt the validity altogether but the fact that they pretend to make friends with fellow scenesters in hopes to score a beer......well fuck that. A festival like this of course will attract some idiots like these two but I'm simply choosing them as the scapegoat because they like Cadillac Blindside. It just seems as though the entire reason they came here was to see a shitty band, take pictures with multiple idiots much like themselves, and attempt to get drunk. Nonetheless, Krazyfest has been the ultimate experience. Just watching these people have a love for something so amazing and their reactions to bands they've never heard is enough to make my mouth spread to a wide smile. And it's not just me. The smiles are everywhere. These three days I have had the most consistent indescribable feeling. A feeling of utter happiness that can't be explained in words. I could ramble for these next four pages about it. My point here is going to appear right now. There were many things I saw this weekend that hit a nerve that made me more annoyed than it should have. But seeing these annoying people transform at the show into someone like you (a lover of music) is the most incredible sight in the world. It gives me faith that music can still hold us all together as a community.

2002-06-19T11:37:00.000-05:00

fuck everything

2002-06-17T19:02:00.000-05:00

Well an intersting week will come for me this week. It is monday, i'm in my last two minutes of work....and getting ready to go to mike's house, always a pleasure (minus the drive). Tomorrow, a friend from california will join me to the Brand New, Thrice, and Recover show, and afterwards, sleep at my house. Yay for slumber parties. He's a nice guy though and i'm happy to offer him a bed to crash in. Anyway, wednesday, my cousin Anaya and Aunt Bonnie from Seattle arrive at the O'Hare at 12:39 PM. They have come in so Anaya can go to madison for what I'm assuming is orientation for the University of Wisconsin. I will pick them up from the airport and take the two hour drive over to my brother's apartment up in cheeseville (wisco), and head back later that night. Thursday night, i may or may not sleep at mikey's house. But either way, on friday morning, me, mikey, mikey's brother, and his friend will take the drive to Louisville, Kentucky for Krazyfest which should be really fun. We'll be there til sunday night so I'm excited for that. I hope that makes mike happy cuz he's been a little down these days and I can't seem to pick him back up. So yeah....if anyone wants to drive 2 hours on wednesday, email me....you're welcome to come along for the road trip. Bye kids

2002-06-14T01:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm going crazy or the rest of the world is...

Lately it's been just weird with me. Weird feelings of jealousy and annoyance have been running through my head which are easily cured with music....but always seem to return.

The smallest things have got me so upset lately. Today I almost broke out into convulsions over a broken cell phone and an asshole 20-something north shore guy.

I think what's really annoying me is the fact that at this point, my life is amounting to not much. I'm not doing anything really meaningful with my life except for loving a boy. That is the only point in my life right now, to love mike. I really have nothing else. Besides him, I really only feel attachment to two people, my music, and the books I'm reading.

If anyone has any ideas as to how I could make my life more interesting, a guestbook entry would be appreciated.

2002-06-11T02:36:00.000-05:00

Basically today kinda sucked. I woke up and went to work. At work I was given a list of about 75 tollfree numbers that I had to call which went to different areas of the dealership. After enduring an hour of insults from the salesmen (because they were annoyed by my excessive calling), i came downstairs and watched a thunderstorm, the highlight of my day. It cleared up and around 7PM, i started to gather my things to make my way over to mike's, which i assumed would cure everything. Just as I began to make my move to clock out, I took a glance outside. The sky was almost completely black and the rain started to pour. I decided this wouldn't be the best time for my 4 block trek to my car. I ended up staying until 9PM, only thinking about making my way to Mike's house to make everything better. As I got to my car, the monsoon began and I soon realized it would be impossible to get to mike's. So that was the end of that. I picked up Zack later and we went to Frank's house. Wow, reminded me of highschool and i had to leave about 15 minutes into it. Anyway...all I've been thinking about tonight has been mike. It's ridiculous that I can't go a day without seeing him. I almost had a panic attack tonight because i didn't get to feel his arms around me. I suppose I always have tomorrow but still. The feeling sucks to miss someone so much, but it's good to know that I finally care about someone the way I've always wanted to.
Anyway, after postponing this for a while, i finally have the energy to do it.

THINGS I COULD LIVE WITHOUT AT SHOWS

1. Hardcore dancing ~ I guess I never quite understood the whole punch the floor thing, it's a mystery.

2. The Offbeat Guy ~ the guy who bounces his head completely offbeat...jeez, get some rhythm, bitch!

3. The Seizure Dance ~ I've only seen this twice...at two different Fallout Boy shows, and it was the same girl. She kind of tilts her head to the left and shakes vigorously. One wonders how she doesn't puke all over the place.

4. Slam Dancing ~ I've technically never seen this but Mikey and I talked about it the other night. Apparently it's all the nu metal kids running into each other. I don't like this cuz it's not dancing so it should not be referred to as dancing.

5. Skanking ~ enough said

6. "That Guy" ~ please don't wear the shirt of the band that you're going to see

7. GlassJaw Fans ~ i just don't like a lot of them...except mikey of course

8. The Scared Lip Syncher ~ This is the kid who stands up front at the show and sings along to all the words. This I have no problem with. The annoying part is that he constantly turns around to his friend to make sure it's alright. It's almost as if he's saying, "Hey dude, is it cool if i totally rock out?"

Well it's a good thing there is music at shows...or i would have no fun at all, huh!

2002-06-10T03:38:00.000-05:00

I'm writing this assuming that people read this...if not..well ok fine.

My good friend zack, he's in this band called the Jimmy Jazz Revival Union who's link you will see to your left. He describes it as melodic hardcore, which i semi agree to, i don't know if i would call it hardcore but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Anyway...they're having a show and it would be really cool if many people came. Here are the details.

Friday June 14th, 9:30 15530 S. Wolf Road - Orland Park, IL other bands are Emovil, and At First Light FREE SHOW

It's a fucking free show, how could you resist, plus you get to see my friend make an ass of himself. Please come

2002-06-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

I am at work right now and kinda bored, although I've only been here for an hour and twenty minutes. Anyway, i'm just posting cuz i'm bored. Tonight i'm going to see Drowningman, Atreyu, and Eiffel with Mike.....There'll be some other people there that I know so it should be really fun. Tomorrow I'm going to see Liars Academy which will be just as awesome, and Sunday is The Silent Treatment and Spitalfield....i love the silent treatment. i can't wait to rock to their noise. on another note, i was looking at buddyhead.com about a minute ago. I'm sure plenty of people have seen this shirt but I think it's the funniest/coolest thing ever. It's pink and it says "Homophobia is gay". I think it's pretty cool...although i don't know if i'd spend 15 bucks on it. Anyway, i should probably go back to doing some kind of work considering i'm sitting in the corner doing nothing but thinking about mike and looking at iheartbooty.com to see if scot made a top ten list about me yet. Not yet, but i'm patiently waiting.

BORK BORK BORK MY FRIENDS

2002-06-07T03:24:00.000-05:00

I'm taking quizzes today and i found some funny ones that are either completely untrue or just well dumb...ok here goes.

#1

this is ridiculous

#2

See which Greek Goddess you are.

this one rules
#3

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.

this is retardedly ridiculous
#4

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

i stopped taking quizzes after this because this one is so awesome, nothing should top it

	Yuoo ere-a zee Svedeesh Cheff! Yuoo ere-a a guud cuuk, thuoogh yuoo cun't speek Ingleesh fery vell. Bork Bork Bork!
*Take the What Muppet Are You?* Quiz!**

2002-06-05T02:47:00.000-05:00

I have realized that lately i've been crying too much. I'm way to emo for my own good....muahahahaha. no really though....my mom told me she thinks i'm going through a lot of change in my life and i'm trying to learn how to deal with it. So basically it's like a menopause, but not (because i'm not of age to hit menopause, have not had hot flashes, and well...no it's not menopause). It has nothing to do with my body changing, more my life. I don't know, there's things I love about life right now, and things i absolutely hate and need to get rid of.

Ok ok, if i keep talking about this, i'm going to start to have one of my weekly babbling sessions which always ends up in no good. Then i get random IMs on my away message from people that are "surfing the net" for hotties who have read my page. They give me useless advice that usually ends up with me wanting to kick all their asses, and i don't like to hate on people. hahaha

I watched zoolander tonight with zack and anna, it was funny. we also went to go see "big fat greek wedding". Such a hilarious movie, it reminded me of a movie my grandma would go to and laugh her ass off, but it was still funny as fuck.

I actually stayed in deerfield tonight and didn't go to the city, or downers grove. I missed mike a lot...but there were some funny moments that made me feel like i was in my highschool days again..

Moment of the night would have to be when we were getting coffee. There's this one old guy who's a regular at the place we were at and he's basically this ancient asshole who everyone hates but can't get rid of. He sits there and reads the personal ads over and over while he chainsmokes with the occasional cough and orders two pitchers of iced tea which he finishes in one sitting. He always wears the same worn in army jacket and brown trucker hat. His face and skin is droopy and wrinkled. it looks like his bones are holding on tight to keep it on. Basically....he's old and smelly. So anyway, zack ordered a cup of coffee and anna is infatuated with the exciting way of "making cappucino" with coffee cream. To do this (for nonexpert cream inserters) you bite a tiny hole in the bottom of the cream and squirt it into the coffee making it foam a little on the top. So anna grabs the cream to go put it in zack's coffee. She's squeezing a little to hard and i notice. I was thinking to myself "that's gonna bust open" but i didn't tell her quick enough. The entire thing explodes and hits mostly me, the booth we were sitting in and a little on this decrepit old man. the man looks at her and gives her a dirty look while i tried the hardest i ever have to control my laughter. She apologized and i guess the man kept giving her hard looks. She felt so bad and sulked the rest of the night and begged to leave the place, but we wouldn't let her cuz we thought it was funny. She kept asking us if she should buy him a piece of pie. Everywhere we went for the rest of the night, anna would run to the car cuz she said she had really bad luck and was basically worried that the old man would bust out of the bushes to attack her. Wow, that story sounded really sucky...but it was funny at the time.

ok i'm gonna end this before i get worse random im's than i did before.

2002-06-03T02:34:00.000-05:00

Today was the party...THE party. I am not going to even explain the inhumane details of the night, it was horrible...well i mean cool cuzza the presents..but horrible. There were two amazing things that made my night seem good.

Anna (lives down the street from me / best friend) decided to have some people over and we had a little bonfire. It was unbelieveable...i didn't seem happy while i was there, in fact, violet and suzy kept asking me if i was alright...but i was deep in thought. Just the fact that next year, none of this will be happening. Fuck highschool, fuck all the bullshit that goes along with it...but i do have my group of friends from around deerfield, and they do mean a lot to me. yes, most of them are staying in chicago, but how often will we be able to get together to have a bonfire and talk and laugh...how often can we go to old navy together just for the hell of it. It's all kind of ending, and it scares the shit out of me. i hate change more than anything in the world...i hate leaving things behind, i hate creating a past. i hate the fact that 4 years from now...people are going to have to remind themselves that we were once friends. I'll end up seeing some kid i would talk to everyday in my senior english class and in four years he'll hardly remember my name. it's like we don't exist anymore. i don't know, i mean i can honestly say that i only made a select amount of lasting friendships in highschool with really amazing people who don't realize how amazing they are. And i really don't give a shit about the rest of the people that i talked to everyday at lunch...they mean nothing to me. Just the fact that four years of my life will be forgotten in another four seems really odd to me. i don't know...so yeah the bonfire was the first good thing.

The second good thing was mike, but what else is new, right? He came to my enormous gathering today at my house and stuck through it with a smile for the most part. I'm not sure if he was enjoying himself but he was putting up with it. It just meant so much to me that he would go to this ugly party because it was for me. I truly love how he works. I love how caring he is and and how selfless he is. it's almost as if i don't deserve it, which sometimes gets me down because i feel like he's wasting his time on me. I care about him way to much to put into words and i have never had someone care about me like he has. I feel like this is such a weird time in my life for this to occur and i'm so lucky to have it...but what if i dont' deserve it. i don't know....and then i start to think, what if i lose him what if i lose him...and then i get all sad again. I think i need to learn how to focus on the good stuff, be thankful for what i have, and i am. I couldn't ask for anyone better than mike.

2002-05-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

When i decided I was to graduate high school early, part of the deal with my parents was that I had to walk across the stage during the real graduation so my parents could take pictures.. Whatever I'll deal, and that's today. Not looking forward to it really, not feeling very well. My throat hurts and I have this horrible cough, i should be losing my voice but i'm holding onto it for dear life. In the past 11 hours i have not spoken one word, i drank tea with lotsa honey, and guzzled robitussin. about four months ago, the same thing happened, i lost my voice. When this happened I was together with a really big asshole named Joe. Four days after I lost my voice, he ripped my heart out of my chest and destroyed it. This makes me nervous. I'm at the same point in my relationship with Mike, almost a month into it, and i'm losing my voice. What if it's a sign?? Please!! I really hope it's not a sign. Mike keeps tellign me not to worry about it and nothign bad will happen, and i believe him, and he's probably right...but what if the crazy forces that create signs like thisfuck with our heads and everything ends. I'm such a loser, but i really hope that doesn't happen.

Lately I've been really fed up with decision making. I'm the biggest procrastinator on the face of the planet. i wrote my term paper a week after it was due. I knew i shouldn't talk to people about where I'm going to school. I don't want anyone else's opinion. People don't know where I'll be happy and where I wont' be happy, who are they to judge? Such bullshit. i've decided i need to learn how to make decisions on my own. Yesterday was the worst. I went to my dad's dealership to go look at cars, since i need a new one soon. I'm pretty sure i want to get the new pontiac vibe but i was worried that I would look like a soccer mom. I went around asking EVERYONE there if they thought it was ugly, if they thought i would like a woman carting around all her kids to little league, etc. I need to get over it, if i like the fucking car then fucking take it. Enough of this bullshit. Wow, it felt good to get all that off my chest. Well....I'm gonna go get ready for my funfilled day of graduation and family parties.

I miss mike, he's in wisconsin. Maybe i'll see him tonight.

2002-05-28T02:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been way to long since i've updated, i feel so horrible!! haha..well not really, i'm just lazy.

Since thursday, i've really been the happiest i've ever been.....Never really felt like this before.

All weekend i was surrounded by old and new friends and it was so nice to be able to sit and talk and smile for hours without stopping. Seeing all these people come together and just have a good time gave me faith in mankind, maybe all people are not just assholes, maybe we have some form of human in us.

One of the most amazing things I saw this weekend occurred after the mogwai show. I went with Mike and we met up with Kara and Emily (his friends that i only met once before). The show was incredible and once it was over, mike turned around and looked at me. The look on his face was something I will never forget. Mogwai is mike's new favorite band and when he looked at me that moment i could almost feel his happiness. It was so cool to be able to see that.

Everything is going absolutely well for me except for a couple things that I hope get resolved soon, one involving college, and the other involving a good friend of mine who isn't very happy. It's frustrating to know that I can't help him much except by supporting him and it feels like that isn't doing much either. It saddens me because he was once this smiley chipper boy who always made me laugh and he's fallen into a rut (caused by people i don't know and don't like). I wish with all my heart that he cheers up because he doesn't deserve this.

On that note, i'm going to go to sleep and wake up extra early. have a good night / day people....watch out for the clap

love-----jessi (aka, swedish virgin)

2002-05-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

Last night was a really awesome end to highschool. I mean i ended it in January but this was just cool. We all got to school and watch the senior video, which i wasn't in i might add. we got on buses, which i haven't been on in probably 5 or 6 years, and went down to sluggers. We stayed there from around 7:30 to 11....there was a DJ playing unfavorable music, pizza that tasted like cardboard, and a room filled with beer that we had fun sneaking into and swiping some, well not me, i just took pictures of them doing it. We all got pretty bored and it was hot as hell in there and finally we were able to leave. We got on the buses once again and made our way down to navy pier. There we got on the spirit of chicago, this kick ass boat. It had three floors inside with tables everywhere, there was food and another dj. There were 4 floors outside where you could go look at the skyline. Anyway, we got on the boat and i heard the end of jimmy eat world and following that, alkaline trio's "stupid kid" came on and that was all i needed. I spent all night listening to "ooooooo it's getting hot in here so take off all your clothes....i am...getting too hot...im gonna take my clothes off" (ie lyrics from some ghetto song) me and zack sutton, the only people with REAL musical taste stood in the center of the dance floor and sang this song, in tribute to our music. But nonetheless...the ghettoness reappeared but it was alright. We danced, yes i danced, and got sweaty and down and dirty.

Highlight of my night was when we requested weezer and the guy actually played it. The second it came on (right after ja rule of course) everyone left the dance floor, mmmmmm hilarious. Anyway...the night was finished off with me standing watching the skyline at 2 in the morning and listening to the voicemail mike left me that almost made me cry cuz it was so sweet. I'm very happy right now...and yes....that's all i have to say.

2002-05-23T11:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to my brother babbling about window washers. Something about how they were here. All i caught was "windows......clean......stuff......move it out.........get.....up" So i get up...the first thing i noticed was that i could breathe. That was exciting. Until i sat down on the couch, sneezed and haven't been able to breathe since. I turned on the tv...right in my face is an arby's turkey sandwich and i think to myself (that would be really good right now). But of course there are no arby's in my general area, so i turned on my internet charm and made my way over to the store locater (i'm lame). There i found an arby's relatively close, in wheeling. Although that may be too close to dominic for comfort. So that's my lameass story of the day, i spent my morning salivating over fucking arby's.

Another thing i'd like to talk about would be sneezing. I hate noses, well at least my nose. it's trying to fake me out and i always fall for it cuz i'm a little fucking pansy. My nose sends the little message that i'm gonna sneeze so i frantically grab a tissue, rip off my glasses and get in position, and it never comes. Never. i've tried all those tricks people told me, look at the lights, breathe out, breathe in, etc...nothing works...nothing at all. grrrrrrrrrrrrowl.

That is all for right now.

I will be back later to talk about........................ EMO.

2002-05-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight was actually fun. I had a good time. It's rare that I hang out in my suburb....it seems like all my friends from here drive around to the same places and are eternally waiting for something to do. I hung out with violet, davor, anna, lindsey, craig, suzanne, jacqi, rick, and shane. It was kinda interesting, some of the pople i would never hang out with and have absolutely none of the same interests as me. In fact some were kinda annoying, but i dealt with it.

It was fun to see a buncha people i don't usually hang out with so i enjoyed myself.

Everything is going good except for my unbelievably clogged nostrils....colds suck. I hope I'm better tomorrow....I should be...til then, i'm gonna go to sleep and dream about mike cuz i won't see him til friday....awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

"it's not goodbye gilbert, it's goodnight"

2002-05-22T02:09:00.000-05:00

"The most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again. It's the most extraordinary feeling in the world.........The most amazing thing about you standing in a doorway is that it's you, and you're standing in a doorway...and you smile."---Atom and his Package. love that guy

2002-05-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

Helllllllllllllllllllo I dont have a lot to say and not much time to type anyway. 'im just checking in cuz i feel like i have not been very faithful to my little blogger. The time will come, kids, when i will post in this 5...maybe 6 times a day. But I just have one question....

Why do I only have three entries in my guestbook, one being my dad, so it doesn't count! GRRRRRRRRR

2002-05-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

Last night was actually fun. I went to Jamboree long enough to see Tenacious D and Thursday and then we left. Mike and I rocked to thursday and I had a blast...although it was freezing. I hung out with Mike the rest of the night and slept which I kinda felt bad about. I hate sleeping at his house cuz i end up waking up and he's doing something else and I feel like I missed something...i don't know. I came home and talked with Aaron online and the phone for a really long time. It was actually really awesome. I miss talking to that kid like we used to talk... having 4 hour conversations about basically nothing but having so much fun doing it.

End of Our Phone Conversation:
Aaron- Jessi Don't you remember these conversations we used to have? it was so fun!
Jessi- I know! It still is!

I'm a dork...lame ass dork

2002-05-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

WHEEL OF FORTUNE TONITE...6:30 IN THE MIDWEST!!

WATCH MY BROTHER

HE'LL BE IN A WISCONSIN HOODY!!!

ROOT FOR HIM!!

2002-05-17T01:00:00.000-05:00

Well here I am once again, returning to blog. I should be doing a million other things, one being sleep because i have to be up in a mere 6 hours. I must pack, clean and wake up tomorrow at 7 AM for senior day. Should be fun to see everyone. Then i will make my way up to madison. I'm pretty excited....anyway...i really have not much to write. I love life right now, i love mike...i love music, i love this blog, i love my family, i love wheel of fortune.

pah pah pah peace!

2002-05-16T10:59:00.000-05:00

I woke up today to a storm...excellent! These next couple of days should be interesting and fun. Today i get to go to pepino's with my dad...doesn't sound that exciting but i can't wait!! jeez appreciate the little things will ya! then i work which won't be too bad and then i'm going to mike's for the last time for a couple days. i'm sure i'll miss him a lot, but i'm looking forward to my weekend. Friday, I get to make a trip back to the old school for senior day. You know, i was never much for school spirit but considering the fact that I did leave that school early and I am friends with some of those people still, it will be nice to see them, even if it's for a couple hours. I'm not into the whole prom thing so i can't see them there and graduation is always running around trying to get things done and no time to look around and appreciate what you have. So yeah after that..i get to drive up to Madison by myself which will be really awesome because #1 i love driving and #2 i get to be by myself for two hours. Tomorrow night is the wheel of fortune party where we will all watch my brother on wheel of fortune.

(if you do not know about this, tune into wheel of fortune tomorrow night---friday evening---and look for the kid in the red wisconsin hoody. that would be my brother)

Anyway, saturday morning is his graduation from college which should be fun and i get to see the fam from new york which will be awesome cuz i don't see them enough. So i'm excited

Basically i just looked at the time and realized i have 15 minutes to get ready for work...that leaves me no time for a word of the day. I'll do one later i promise!!

WORD..

2002-05-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

I feel like I haven't written in forever...maybe because nothing interesting happened in my life...except for the fact that I ran out of gas last night on my way home and the friendly mobil man had to push my car to the gas station. That was about the extent of my YAY!! exciting moments. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like everything is falling apart. I dont' really know why I'm thinking this way. I should be the happiest I've ever been and I am...but then that little feeling in the back of my head kicks into gear that says "be careful, this could all go away as fast as you got it". I guess it's just kind of scary for me. I don't want to lose what i have....and chances are I won't...but there's still that nervousness i get, partly because of my already shattered heart from an exboyfriend who will remain nameless. It's kind of annoying that I still have to dwell on what he did to me but I can't just push it away. Whenever I get involved now I get scared...and this time it's extra scary. I completely and utterly care for mike....and i hate the scared feeling...because i wanna be happy all the time. i'm sure this feeling will go away soon....it's just my jitters that I get as a result to a heart broken by an asshole.

Today's word of the day is:tootler n. a person or thing that tootles

I just thought that word is funny...considering even the dictionary cannot explain what a "tootler" is without using the word "tootle"

2002-05-14T03:24:00.000-05:00

Today / Tonight may have been the best day / night of my life. I rang in my birthday at exactly 12 midnight with mike. There is no one i would rather be with. Soon following, we headed out to the gas station so I could buy my first pack of cigarettes LEGALLY! It would've worked great, but I had to ask the clerk to card me because he just didn't want to. I said "yeah could you just card me?" haha....I came home and wrote a paper til 4 in the morning! Yeah procrastination...and then proceeded to sleep and wake up to go to lunch with mommy. Mmmmmmmmm bagels!! She gave me a fun present, more notecards for me to write thank you notes...grrr just hate those thank you notes. After, i made my way out to mike's house where i watched him suck it up at yahoo scrabble but it just makes him more cute. We went to pick up adam and then went to a show at the fireside. We saw...stillwell, coheed and cambria, the exit, and the ghost.

SUCH a rocking show!! not to mention violet and anna are the greatest best friends ever because they slithered their way into a conversation with a guy who was a member of the ghost (one of my favorite bands) and got him to say happy birthday to me on stage!! Yes my face was red when this happened, but it was awesome. We dropped off adam and i spent the rest of the night with mike, a perfect ending to my birthday. I loved everything about it, i loved the legality, the bands, the friends, mike. everything.

I don't know, for some reason, being 18 seems different. I no longer will cringe at the reactions of people when i say i'm 17. I hated being 17....i don't know...it seemed like i was a child. not that being 18 is much older...but still....it's just me i guess.

anyway, i'm gonna go to bed now so i can wake up and finish my paper for tomorrow.

sorry i've been flaking on the word of the day, i've been way busy but it will be back tomorrow when i can see out of the holes in my face called eyes.

worddddddddddddd

2002-05-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

grrrrowl

2002-05-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

Grrrrrr...ok people...something is wrong with this damn website. Apparently, my link (geeklife.blogspot.com) is also someone else's as well. So it's being worked out but until then, if you click on my link and it's not my site, don't worry, i'm not completely gone. It will be back!

2002-05-12T02:58:00.000-05:00

Today was an amazing day...one i will most likely never forget. I knew i missed mike over these last few days but i didn't know how much. When i pulled up to his house today my first reaction was to run (no it wasn't cuz of the rain) into his arms and that's where i stayed until 1:30 this morning. I love thunderstorms and mike has an amazing view of thunderstorms from his window. We sat and watched the storm come through and it was amazing. He makes me so completely happy and I never want him to leave.

On another note, my whole birthday extravaganza is all working itself out! So far the list of people joining me will be mike, erik, dominic, violet, anna, courtney (maybe), adam (maybe) and any of you reading this, you should go!! it's at the fireside on monday!! it will be great!!!

2002-05-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

Well it's early..and I'm awake, it's almost worky worky time. Sorry if there are any typos in this, i have no glasses on and it's hard to see what I'm doing here. Anyway, mike called me last night which actually solved a lot of my problem of being sad. I really needed to hear his voice and i need to hear him confirm how he felt about me. I guess i'm weird like that. Anyway, today i will head off to work in 15 minutes at big ol' JACOBS TWIN AUTO PLAZA and then head over to mikes for what i'm told will be the biggest hug i will ever get. so on that note, i will go get dressed....cuz i'm excited for my day to come.

oh yeah just my luck...so my birthday's monday and i'm all excited that THE EXIT is playing with THE GHOST..so i'm all over that...then i hear that THE REUNION SHOW is playing on monday as well and goddamnit they're playing with TAKING BACK SUNDAY. there ya go with four of my most listened to bands this month all on the same night. i wish i had the power to be in two places at one time.

today's word of the day is: keraunothnetophobia the nineteen-letter word used to identify those who fear the fall of man-made satellites

2002-05-11T01:26:00.000-05:00

Well obviously my day did not go any better. I guess you could say that lately I've just been feeling bad for myself. I think i'm going through withdrawal. Withdrawal of two important people in my life right now. Number one would be Mike, haven't seen him or talked to him much in two days. But it's ok, that will be remedied tomorrow.

The more important thing is my best friend. Apparently I'm changing. I don't notice it, but i'm willing to accept it if he gives me good reason. I don't know. A best friend is someone you can count on to talk to and not worry about what you say or what you do. I guess i just took that for granted. I don't have that anymore or at least for now (i hope) and i desperately desperately need him back. I miss him more than anyone could know. I'm sure he's reading this right now and I'm sure he's thinking, good she feels like an idiot. Well yeah i do...but there's not much more i can do than feel humiliated.

So basically life has sucked lately. Nothing to do so i end up working til close cuz i have nothing better to do and i'd rather be productive than sit at home and wallow in my self pity. Therefore, i am going to lay in my bed and read the end of my book in hopes that it will produce some sort of laugh from my body. probably not but there's nothing left but hope, right?

2002-05-10T11:17:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to lack of a phone call i really wanted, lack of a best friend, and lack of a smile. I can see where this day is going. Yeah I know I've been all happy lately but all of a sudden it's like the person in charge of happiness just slapped me in the face and said "JESS!! you know you're not allowed to be happy!" I really hope today is not one of my "take your aggression out on a CD" days because i'm really not that wealthy.
NOTE: here is an explanation of my "take your aggression out on a CD" day. A week or so ago, i was very unhappy, and i didn't know how to get rid of my anger (i'm not angry that often). So i formulated a plan for when i am angry. On these days i will go to the record store and buy a CD i completely loathe. Something I wouldn't be caught dead listening to, something that is embarassing to hand to the cashier when you are paying for it. After purchasing the devil CD i will bring it home and listen to it, and continue to listen to it for the rest of the day. No matter how badly i want it off, i must listen. The next day will arrive and this is how i relieve myself of my aggression. The CD represents my anger at this point because i've forgotten all my problems from the day before and i'm focused on how much i hate the CD. Therefore I will destroy it by any means possible (ie cars, fire, bazookas)

I think my CD today might just have to be Celine Dion cuz i'm starting to get reallllllllly mad.

Todays word of the Day: Weltschmerz (velt ' shmerts' ), n., sorrow or pain caused by pondering the troubles of the world; pessimistic melancholy

2002-05-10T02:03:00.000-05:00

I officially have my guestbook now! I find that way exciting!! I've been pushing my brother to do this for me for ages. So just to be good friends, I think EVERYONE should sign it, just so i know who is reading about me. if you don't do it, i may develop a stutter, puh puh puh please don't do this to me!!!

2002-05-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

Well all of a sudden, it looks like I have until tomorrow to decide where I will be next year. Boston or Chicago? This is one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life. I think about it and start crying. I have absolutely no idea what i want to do.

misery n., pl., a miserable, unhappy state of mind: Think of the misery of having no home or friends. It is acknowledged that rage, envy, resentment, are in themselves mere misery (Samuel Butler) syn: wretchedness, woe, distress

2002-05-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

Every night on my way home i think to myself "tonight was the best night of my life". I love having that feeling every night.

2002-05-08T11:26:00.000-05:00

I have always kind of envied birds because they are so free. They have nothing to do in this world but make a nest and fly around. That's got to be awesome. I felt this way for a very long time, and it all ended today. This is as a result of "THE KOMIKAZE BIRDS". It makes so sad to have to tell this story. Okay, so our front door is glass and right next to it is this rather large totem pole that my parents purchased in Bali, or Hong Kong, or one of those places. It's actually very cool looking. On top of it, it has this big fluff of black straw representing hair, shooting out from the top it's head. Now....birds not being the smartest things in the world, start to assume this fluff of black straw is "nesting material". HA.. who wouldn't? Following this thought, they are probably thinking "hmmm we should go and grab that before another handsome more sneaky bird does!" Yet they don't quite realize that there is a door in front of it. Now don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for having the windows very clean but come on now! You'd think they'd learn. And so it begins. They sit on our planter outside the door for an average of 36 seconds and then fly into the door falling to the ground, only to get back up and resume their position....and start over again. This has been going on for three days straight and that is NO lie. I no longer respect birds, at least not the stupid ones....although this is something amusing for me to watch in the afternoons when i'm completely bored. No the birds aren't getting hurt, they're just dumb and that's funny!!!

Todays word of the day is: zygodactylous adj., having the toes arranged in pairs, with two before and two behind, as the feet of a climbing bird or bird itself.

I don't know, it seemed to fit the whole bird thing...sheesh

2002-05-08T02:33:00.000-05:00

Yet another amazing night with mike. That is all i have to say.

2002-05-07T03:07:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd put this interesting little "passage", if you will, from the book i'm reading now. The book is called "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris and this was extracted from a chapter called "Nutcracker.com"

"I hate computers for getting their own section in the New York Times and for lengthening commercials with the mention of Web site address. Who really wants to find out more about Procter & Gamble? Just buy the toothpaste or laundry detergent, and get on with it. I hate them for creating the word org and I hate them for e-mail, which isn't real mail but a variation of the pointless notes people used to pass in class. I hate computers for replacing the card catalog in the New York Public Library and I hate the way they've invaded the movies. I'm not talking about their contribution to the world of special effects. I have nothing against a well-defined mutant or full-scale alien invasion-that's good technology. I'm talking about their actual presence in any given movie. They've become like horses in a western-they may not be the main focus, but everybody seems to have one. Each tiresome new thriller includes a scene in which the hero, trapped by some version of the enemy, runs for his desk in a desperate race against time. Music swells and droplets of sweat rain down onto the keyboard as he sits at his laptop, frantically pawing for answers. It might be different if he were flagging down a passing car or trying to phone for help, but typing, in and of itself, is not an inherently dramatic activity."

It goes on and on in this whiney yet absolutely amazing rant. It made me think about how my obsession with the internet is actually kinda weird. I actually think about this more than i should but..anyway. I always think about what i would do without the internet. I would never know when shows were, how to get somewhere, what new music sounds like, write in this blog, etc etc etc. I dont' know...i'm a dork and think too much. Most of the time i think of the wrong thing, cuz right now i should think about my term paper that's due tomorrow at 4 PM that i have not started yet. So yes, i will go rest, i have a full day of procrastination tomorrow. I hope i get to see mike, i was with him a mere two hours ago and already miss him.

2002-05-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Well it's 2:45 and i still haven't started my paper which is due at 4 PM tomorrow. All I can think about it mike and my moog. Haha yes, i got one and it's name is hal.....he is my new addiction. Now i not only rely upon nicotine. So the countdown begins to THE GHOST show....the big day...my day....and i can't wait.

today's word of the day is: moog an electronic keyboard instrument for generating a large variety of sounds [Robert A. Moog, an American engineer, who invented it]

2002-05-05T03:03:00.000-05:00

Today has been one of the best days of my life. Besides the fact that i pissed off someone severely, i'm incredibly happy. It's really nice to have someone who can tell you all the time that they care about you. I've never really had that much and all of sudden, out of the blue, this person appeared today. Not only am i completely ecstatic about this person, but i'm very excited about how far this is going to go. I don't think I've been this happy in a really long time and I really hope it stays that way for quite a while.

Today's word of the day is : ecstasy n., pl., a condition of very great joy; strong feeling that delights or thrills the heart; rapture

2002-05-04T03:14:00.000-05:00

There's nothing like driving down Clark at 2:30 in the morning. Makes my decision to stay in Chicago a lot easier. Hmmmm i guess this is where I stand with my whole Boston or Chicago ordeal.

I need a reason to stay in Chicago. A good reason.

I can think of one reason (music) which should not really be the basis of my decision.

And there's another thing that could perhaps be a reason...but it all depends on how my crappy life goes. I really hope this becomes a reason because i would enjoy that more than anything in the world.

Because i just said reason so much...
todays word of the day is: reason n., v., a cause or motive, as for an action or feeling; ground : I have my own reasons for doing this

2002-05-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

Well I'm sitting at work being totally bored. I'm actually sitting in my dad's office pretending to be researching the sociology of serial murder. Haha...i just can't wait til i can leave. I've been here since 1 this afternoon which isn't that long, but isn't that short if you know what i mean. You probably don't. Anyway...just thought i'd cure my boredom by posting. I'm sure i bored you as well so HA HA....now you can feel my pain.

2002-05-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh the wonders of waking up in the morning after a beautifully funfilled night of music followed by a long phone conversation with someone fun...then THEN....i wake up to clear blue sky and no rain! ya know, sometimes i like the rain but i think we need some sun here in chicago. it's been a little too gray lately. Well regardless of the beautiful day in store for us chicagoans, i may not be able to enjoy it that much. I'm going to work in an hour and that is where i will stay until 9:30 tonight. That will be interesting. Then I get to hang out with Aaron, i'm actually SO excited about that. It should be a really good night. He said we can go to the lake!!! haha i sound like such a dork....but the lake rules, i have beaches by my house but i definitely don't go enough. Well anyway, i should probably start getting ready. Jacobs Twin here i come!

Today's word of the day is: dontopedalogy n. a natural propensity or talent for putting one's foot in one's mouth (for saying something indiscreet, foolish, or embarassing)

that is awesome

2002-05-03T00:58:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a pretty rad night. I went and saw brand new, glassjaw, and converge. There was another band but i forgot their name cuz they were bad. Brand New wasn't as awesome as they coulda been but i dealt with them. I really enjoy their music so that was good but it didn't help that the boys behind me were talking about how much they sucked. That was upsetting. Then glassjaw came on, they did nothing for me. Just basically not so good but not terrible but not good. Then the almighty converge came on. You know, they're harder than my normal music obviously and i wasn't sure how i felt about them at first, but the way everyone was reacting to them made them forty times cooler. Plus they were making funny jokes that made me laugh. The highlight of my night was when mike stole an EXIT poster for me and a GHOST poster. These will be on my wall once i finish posting this. Anyway, i'm gonna go pass out in my bed cuz i'm worn out. but i'll be back tomorrow with a new word of the day and a whole new attitude. peace out girl scouts

2002-05-02T09:12:00.000-05:00

It's currently...ummm early...and i'm not happy because i'm awake. Looks like a busy busy day for me. Work until 2:30...lunch with grandma <====yuck, then picking up aaron, perhaps picking up adam, and going to see brand new at the fireside. I'm excited, it should be a good day.

today's word of the day is: xenodochium n., pl. (expecially in the Middle Ages and ancient times) an inn; hotel

is that word of the day ridiculous or what? it's like...whoever made up that word thought to themselves, hmmm i'm gonna think up the longest word possible for one of the shortest words possible. dumb

2002-05-02T00:06:00.000-05:00

Mike's word of the day today is "faugh". I find it interesting because in the dictionary the sample sentence reads "A monkey! faugh!!... I hate the nauceous animal!" How much does that rule!

2002-05-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

I should be researching but i'm not.....i rule....

2002-05-01T18:27:00.000-05:00

I'm in one of those cranky annoyed moods where I'm so tired and have so much to do and i just don't want to do it. I guess i'm a typical teenager but what can ya do. I had an odd day, I went to school and was forced to survey many random people on the vending machines for an english project. That's how big of a joke my english class is. My final is an evaluation on the vending machines at school. I'm glad i'm not paying for this education and it's free, otherwise i would not go anymore.

I've also come to a new conclusion. Motion City Soundtrack is just an amazing band. I went to see them last week I think at the Fireside Bowl. First off, they are awesome live, but i also bought their cd which was really exciting. I haven't been able to take it out of my stereo. It never gets boring to me, plus the fact it came in this awesome floppy disk case so i was excited about that.

I decided that my blog is going to have a word of the day...cuz sometimes certain words are just amazing.

today's word of the day is: SNAFU : Slang n., adj., v., a condition of great disorder; chaotic state of affairs

2002-05-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

Oh jeez i'm disappointed in myself. I have just perfected the art of procrastination and while this may be exciting to others, it makes me sad. I just wrote a paper for my english class about an hour before i have to go. Yes, impressive, I know, but still...not so good. I don't want to get to used to finishing papers at the last minute cuz then I'll do it all the time and i hate it! I hate that stress where you look at the clock and you should be getting in your car in 10 minutes but you still have two body paragraphs to write and bibliography, it's too much for me. Anyway, now that I'm finished with that paper, I can go to class, and come back afterwards so i can continue to procrastinate and BEGIN my term paper which is due next tuesday. If anyone knows anything about the sociology of serial killers, it would be really helpful if you emailed me. Thanks kids!!

2002-04-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

Ok well that first post was my little test...and now on to real post number one. I did three awesome things today that make me laugh

Thing 1) I ditched my dentist appointment for the fourth time. Yes this could perhaps be unhygenic but in my eyes, it's well worth it. There's something about a man jabbing metal in your mouth that makes my stomach turn. And there's the whole issue of the drill. That is a whole other topic that i definitely won't get into.

Thing 2) I openly made fun of my teacher in sociology today. It was awesome. He was telling us this story about when he worked for the census bureau and had to go door to door. He said some guy wanted to fight him and for some reason, seemed like the right thing to do, i blurted out "geez, wonder who woulda won that fight". It was funny, i got a laugh outta the class....I don't like that teacher. He has little ugly eyes hidden behind bottlecap glasses and a greasy combover....and he always stares at me.....he is the encyclopedia definition of molestor.

Thing 3) I made a dumb comment (but what else is new)...but this one was so dumb, it was funny. Tonight adam and I drove his friend Katie home in Kenosha. As we're driving through Kenosha, i'm looking around at license plates and of course they are all Wisconsin license plates. Little did i know, Kenosha is in Wisconsin. So i casually say to adam, "So Kenosha is part of Wisconsin, huh?" That got a laugh...and i couldn't get past the fact that Kenosha is in Wisconsin. I think I'm really weird.

So basically.....my idiocy makes people laugh, which i guess is good, cuz laughing is good. me = lame

2002-04-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

Well after much delay, i finally have my little journal/diary/livejournal, whatever you wanna call it up. I had one up at diaryland (my old diary) but it did not work out thanks to my TRUSTY assistant mike. Anyway....yes so this is it and this is where you will read my every thought. be afraid, be very afraid.